Day 10 : Spider-man Homecoming.

I woke up at 10am. Had nearly 10 hours of sleep after the tiresome journey yesterday. Had pongal for breakfast. It was quite awkward to stay at someone’s house and not knowing them well enough.

Amazing Spider-man was on TV. That made me want to go and watch Spiderman Homecoming. Heard it was the best spiderman movie ever.

I wanted to go home early. But, they kept insisting that I stay and have lunch. So, I just stayed over a little longer. My elder cousin’s grandma’s sister came over as well. Then, my cousin’s grandpa revealed that his son is in a relationship with a girl that’s not in our caste. Yeah.. we still do arrange marriage. If you are in a relationship with a girl, it is a huge shock.

My uncle and my grandma looked shocked. I was very happy. My mind went:

Another one!

I really want to get into the relationship as well. But, I haven’t even kissed a girl in my life. All my life it has been fapping. Just fapping to deal with all my sexual urges. That’s why I’m on NoFap. At least then, I would have a girlfriend.

I really want to lose my virginity. But, again, I haven’t even had my first kiss. Let alone my wish to lose my virginity. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to do bad with my academics as well. My p length isn’t the best. But, I believe that if I do some exercise.. It should be fine. Indian people don’t have the best p length.

To be honest, I had some eye contacts in the night clubs. But, I wasn’t sure if it would be okay to kiss them. So, I would rather just stay away from them.

Anyway, back to the story. I had fish curry and fish fry for lunch. It was very nice. Then, I asked if my elder cousin would be willing to come over to my place. He said “Okay”. So, we just drove him and my grandma to ours.

Booked Spiderman Homecoming tickets for just us two. My bro didn’t want to come as he had karate classes. My mum was really worried that I was taking my cousin. She thinks I’m careless and I would just leave him on the road on his own. WTF?

The amount of rules and instructions they gave.. Gawdd.. Just pissed me off. Call my uncle before you reach there. Make sure you walk the road properly. Make sure he doesn’t stay close to the road. Make sure he gets what he wants. FUCKS SAKE!!!

I just left. Then, when we were there. He said Forum mall was the biggest mall he had ever seen and that ones in New York are actually smaller. Got him a regular popecorn and regular coke. But, the regular coke was spilt and was a waste. Then, got him another small coke.

MOVIE TIME! Loved the first part. People were shouting and screaming. WTF? This isn’t some Indian movie. Indians, grow up in cinemas please! It was really good. And, funny. Like the comics. haha

Nearly 90% of the cinema left as soon as the first credits was shown. Was expecting something to do with Black Panther. But, it wasn’t. It was just that Vulture doesn’t want to reveal that Peter Parker is the Spiderman. Then, again, it was the roll-on credits. Around 10 mins. 95% of the cinema left. The next post-credit scene was somewhat similar to Deadpool. It was Captain America explaining that we were patient and he appreciates it. My cousin at the end concluded:

I learnt an amazing lesson from Captain America. Patience equals Nothing.

Reached home on a share tuk-tuk. Found out mom bought a new bed and a dressing table. Shouted at her for cramming the house. Anyways, had a peaceful sleep. I think my elder cousin slept well too.

 

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Day 9 : Pilgrimage.

Writing this entry two days late. The last two days have been quite tiresome. Anyways, I woke up at 5:30am – the earliest I’ve been awake since I’ve stayed in India. Got ready and everyone at home were in hurry-bury for no reason. They started shouting and complaining that I wasn’t ready. I told them to shut up. I shouted at my grandma too.

Anyway, my mom told me to keep the fact that I’m on medication as a secret. She didn’t want anyone know that I’m suffering from anxiety issues and brain fog. But, I should say my brain fog is clearing.

As expected, my uncle was an hour late and we got on the car and travelled to my aunt’s home. I was very happy to meet my cousins once again. The seats in the seven seater car remained the same. My elder cousin, my aunt and myself on the back. Others in the front.

Off we went to Tirupathi. It was a long journey. I kinda got sleepy and feel asleep. When I woke up, the car was stopped near a restaurant. Everyone was having tea. I just wanted to take a piss. The toilet was just pure disgusting.

Then, I wanted to buy these Indian biscuits called “Little Hearts” for my cousins. But, realised I had no money. So, their grandfather bought it for them. After a while, it was just me and their grandfather just waiting outside. It was very awkward.

Continued our journey. My aunt, as a doctor, gave me a tablet that should stop me from puking due to travel sickness. As we are about to drive through the mountain roads, my baby cousin puked on my elder cousin and her mom (my aunt). Poor Girl was crying for a very long time. We stopped the car near the platform. Cleaned ourselves and changed my baby cousin’s clothes.

Off we went to the mountain. God… I prefer trekking through the mountain rather than driving. Driving through the mountain just makes me sick. Took 45 mins to get to the top of the mountain. For me, it’s 45 mins of agony.

My grandma and both of my cousins tonsured their hair. It was quite sad to see my grandma bald. It was surprising to see that my baby cousin didn’t cry at all.

Then, it was time to the most crowded place of all time. The actual temple. On its busiest day, the temple encounters 3-4 million people per day. My grandma wasn’t able to walk long distances. But, luckily, this guy who works for the temple was on jeep came as a good Samaritan and gave us a free lift. God Bless!

After getting off, my grandma struggled to even walk few meters to the ticket counter. My uncle told me walk with my aunt and her family. He was walking slowly with my grandma. 😦 For some reason, she doesn’t want to consult a doctor about it.

Crowd was just pushing us from all directions. My baby cousin slept on her grandpa’s shoulder. My elder cousin was probably the one who struggled the most in the entire temple.  He said;

I don’t need to walk. I will just slide through the crowd like a log in a river

My aunt was arguing with these random strangers for breaking the queue. As we entered the temple, I explained my elder cousin about the temple and how it’s tower is gold plated.

I asked to pray for anything that he wishes. He kept saying :

Anything that’s good.

I prayed for my internship and the computer resit and for my success in NoFap.

Waited for my grandma and my uncle for like 30 mins. Offered some money to the temple. My elder cousin chucked the money into the hundi as if it was a basketball. He got scolded. No wonder. To the wish stone. Legend has it that anything you write on this stone would come true. My uncle spent solid 10 mins writing his wishes 😀

On the way back, my elder cousin slept on my lap. I fell asleep as well. I just heard a fight between our chauffeur and elder cousin’s grandma. LOL! I was half-asleep. Plus, I couldn’t be arsed to wake up listening to an argument. Had dinner. We slept over at my aunt’s place.

NoFap

Hmm.. Too tired. I didn’t look at Porn as soon as I woke up like yesterday. Memory is getting better. Hasn’t reached its best. I haven’t studied so, I can’t say anything about my focus. I’m getting confident and I look into a girl’s eye with confidence.

 

Day 8: On Medication for my anxiety. Hematidrosis.

I took a serotonin tablet last night. I had a very peaceful sleep. Psychiatrist advised me to go to bed early and wake up early. So, I went to bed at 10. Mom woke up this morning at 9. I was pissed off cos she promised me last night that she would wake me up at 6. When I asked her why she wasn’t willing to wake me up, she told me I was in a very deep sleep. I understood her reason.  Continue reading “Day 8: On Medication for my anxiety. Hematidrosis.”

Day 7 : 1 week of NoFap. I have anxiety disorder.

Again, writing this a day late. Mum wanted me to go to bed after what happened last night.

I woke up. Probably the best sleep I had during travel. It was Chennai.-Back to the boring land- More classes. More Revision. More Fights with my bro. Took a tuk-tuk to home. Reach home around 7 am. My mum was pissed that the bus got delayed. She is very punctual and she hates being late. My bro had to get a taxi to school as he had missed his school bus.  Continue reading “Day 7 : 1 week of NoFap. I have anxiety disorder.”

Day 6 : Having my Favourite Food. I have Brain Fog.

Last day in Madurai. Quite sad to leave this place. I still haven’t seen so many people. But, my bro has missed his school today and I have classes tomorrow. So, I should go back to Chennai.

Last night, my grandma, my mom and I were talking about a lot things. A long conversation that lasted from 10am till 3am. About a lot of things. It was more about catching up with the latest events happening in the family. Talking about future wedding to happen in the family. Many more…

Continue reading “Day 6 : Having my Favourite Food. I have Brain Fog.”

Day 5: Goat Sacrifice.

You may think from the title that the goat sacrifice is some cruel shit that we do in the east side of the world. Well… you are correct. But, it is same as beheading an animal but, with God’s permission. (Halal way in Hinduism)

Why on Earth do you do this shit?

It is a tradition I believe. In India, each family/community have their own deity. No wonder Hinduism has millions of Gods. For the last 6 to 7 centuries, our people would invite all their friends and relatives for a mega feast. They would have this occasion when a baby is born, when someone gets married or when someone dies. They would then sacrifice a number of goats depending on the numbers of invitees. This beheading would happen in front of the temple of the God to which the sacrifice is dedicated to. I guess this is more like get-to-gether but, in a very barbaric manner.

Day 5: 

Since I went to bed very late previous night, I was the last one to get up. Apparently, I wasn’t the only to get up late. Nearly everyone apart from my Grandma had a very late wake up. My grandma is an early bird. She looked pissed because we are already 5 hours late to the goat sacrifice. But, she couldn’t say anything to her son because my aunt is there too. It would be embarassing for him if my grandma scolded her son in front of her wife.

Then, we all got ready. But, there was only one seven seater to carry 10 of us. My grandma refused to get another taxi. She thought we would all fit in to seven seater. She didn’t wanna book a taxi because it would double up the travel expenses. She is a cheapskate. She got shouted by everyone. She cried. Two people I hate to see cry. My mom. Then, it’s my grandma. But, again, she is ambitious and we all somehow fit into this 7 seater. 😀 My mum sitting on my lap.

We reach there really late. My mom’s birthplace. She was born in a mudhouse. Now, the mudhouse has changed to a pile of mud I guess. Opposite to it lays the only house my grandpa built before he died. He was a police officer. I’m his first grandson. He would have been happy and proud if he knew I’m doing well in my life. I always think he is beside me even thought I haven’t even had a sight of him. Love you grandpa. Up till the age of 14, I thought he died in an accident. Later, I got to know that he was murdered by goons. I don’t want to get too much detail into this. But, long story short, what he did was pretty heroic.

Anyways, this house is where all of family antiques are. Our family history ain’t that great. It is pretty boring. We all belong to the farmer’s family. Nearly all my ancestors did nothing but, farming. As the time went on, they did jobs related to food like restaurants and owning rice mills. But, my very own great-great-great grandfather went to Burma around 1800s to work in Harbour so, he could provide some money to his starving family which included my great grandfather. Not only he did what his boss ordered(which was working in the harbour), I heard from an elderly that he also used collect these glass bottles from the sea and sell them to make some extra cents. Salute to you. G-G-G Grandpa. We still have the suitcase that he carried to Burma. It is in a very bad state.

Then, we went to the feast. By the time we went to have food, the entire village had finished their meals. We had very little left. Still I was very full. Fresh Meat cut. Cooked and served straight to your banana leaves. Imaging the taste. 🙂 Then, it was selfie time. I HATE SELFIES! >_<

Then, I got closer with my little cousin. I love playing like a kid with a kid. It just takes me back to the time that I dearly miss. Why did I grow up?

Back to the Madurai. It was my Mum’s birthday. We’ve never cut for my mom’s birthday. She is too shy and she never gives us money to buy her a cake for her birthday. But, my uncle surprisingly brought a cake while we were having food. It was quite awkward. Worst out-of-sync birthday song was sung to her. She was very happy. I’m not going to fail to send her a cake for next birthday.

Again, too busy. So, no urges.

Day 4: Family and Friends. Tears of Joy.

Writing this log on 11th of June

Day 4

Woke up at 6 AM. First glimpse at the train station outside. Madurai Junction. I was happy to be back in my very own city. I mean I live in UK for the last 8 years but, I always feel bonded towards Madurai despite being very polluted. Brings back such amazing memories. Took an Tuk-tuk to the house I grew up during most of my childhood days.

I’m not an early person. I was still drowsed up from the very bad sleep on the train. Then, came my beloved cousin. He was surprised. Then, came my uncle, my other cousin and my aunt. Then, came my Nanny (well… she is also my aunt), but my childhood is nothing without her. I just felt very happy. Love my family. Only on my mom’s side. Not my dad’s side. Tears of Joy. Then, came my aunt’s parents.

Now, time to meet more relatives. I should say something about my long family tree. My great grandad had 8 children (excluding 2 deceased). 5 girls. 3 boys. My grandmother from my mom’s side is the second child out of the 8. So, if you think about it, I have 5 grandmothers and 3 grandfathers. Thing about our family is that all 8 of them are still in touch with each other and they all live in one area.

So, with my uncle’s family and my bro, we went to visit every grandmother’s house. In one of the houses, I saw picture of my great-great grandmother. She was a brave and very smart women even though, she wasn’t educated. Her husband died from TB but, she used to work on the farms to make a living for my great mother and her siblings.

Then, we went to my childhood friend’s house. He is also my cousin. His parents broke up cos his dad had an illicit relationship with a random stranger. So, his mom got pissed and his parents never spoke for 2 years. Now, they are back together. That feeling that you have when you see someone you love get together. Pure Bliss. 

Had the best food in the town for dinner. Didn’t even have time for a single urge. That’s how busy I was.

Day 3: Travelling with Family. Realised I had a problem

Finally, I have reached home after a long travel. I’m technically writing this blog on Day 6 of my NoFap journey. I have a mild migraine. Might be due to dehydration.

Anyways, Day 3, 4, 5. Travelled to my hometown, birthplace – Madurai. This place is known as the “City of Temples”. It is just filled with millions of mini and gigantic temples. I love this city for many reason. Relatives, Food, Love and Bonding are the top reasons why I love it. This time I was lucky enough to see my uncle from US in Madurai. He had to come and visit all our relatives at the same time.

My uncle is extremely funny but, very strong with his opinions. He is a huge fan of Trump and doesn’t believe in climate change. Yeah… and he works for a Fortune 100 company. Doesn’t make sense. My aunt is a pathologist. Their kids aka my cousins are cutest kids I’ve known so far. Eldest one is the brainy and very quiet. Damn… He is soo nice 🙂 Love you man. Youngest one , age 3, girl is a cutie too. Very active. I love her so much. I’ve only seen them twice in my life. But, I just love them.

Now, that you know about my family and my cousins. Let’s talk about how these days went.

Day 3:

I will try to recall the thoughts as much as possible. It has been 5 days. Especially, with recent problems with memory, I won’t be able to talk about it in much details. Usual day I believe. Woke up went to Java lessons. Learnt about strings. Easy stuff 😉

Then, I went to internship on Embedded system. I revealed to my teacher that I study in UK. I think she thought I would know everything about the basics. Little did she know, I think I was worst student she ever had. I mean she started asking about the mechanisms and applications of basic electronic components. I just answered the question like a 5 year old .

“What do we use the resistor?” “Hmm.. Limits the current. That’s it?”

“Tell me how a transistor works.” “Hmm… They act as switches. There are two types. NPN and PNP. There are holes and stuff. That’s it”

This is when I realised my memory has reached its worst state. These are the stuff from Year 1. BASICS! I have gone through them nearly 1000 times. I cannot believe I have forgotten them. That’s when I reached a decision to consult a psychiatrist. Knew something was wrong with me. I’m not myself.

Then, when I was on my way back from home, I just had this feeling of confused state. Unclear mind. I thought I was thinking about something but, I had forgotten it. That feeling when you forgotten the most obvious place where you left your keys. I was frustrated. I was trying to get away from thinking it . But, I couldn’t it.

As soon as I reached home, we had to get ready to catch the train. Mom thought the train was at 7. But, it was 6: 20. Thanks to the lack of traffic, we made it to the station really early.

Had these amazing idlis on the train (Idlis are like rice puddings). Ones mom had were really bad. Then, I was quite horny I should say. What can I say I’m a person with high sexual drive…

Since I’m on r/NoPorn as well, I refused to look to sexually simulating videos. So, I went on Tinder. Made a Tinder account for myself. I should say the app is quite entertaining. I was on it for like 2 hours straight. Then, I hid my account because I don’t have many pictures of myself. They are just selfies. Went to sleep on this very shaky train.

 

Day 2: Calm and Peaceful with a Huge Fight

Damnn.. This day. This day had its high and its low.

Highs:

  • I did some revision. I was a bit interested to learn. Again, my focus wasn’t on point. I should improve.
  • Controlled urges here and there using this meditation technique called “Mula Bhunda”. It does reduce the urge.
  • Signed up for more coding challenges.
  • My memory is still terrible. But, I can think properly now. I feel like my logical thinking is getting better. Before, when I used to fap a lot, if I were to code, for some reason, I would miss the most obvious and easiest way. Now, I feel like it is getting away. Making my code nice and short.
  • Going to Madurai tomorrow. Looking forward for that.
  • My internship starts tomorrow. Looking forward to that as well
  • Haven’t logged into any social medias for the last 2 days. Happy with that.
  • Since I haven’t been fapping as often as I used to be, (yeah.. I did relapse. But, still it is not as bad as fapping every night). I do feel more energetic. Before I would normally sleep during afternoons, but I don’t even feel sleepy. I’m very active. Good thing.
  • I can wake up well and clear even if I sleep for 6 hours. Before (when I used to fap alot), I would literally fall asleep in the toilet. Good

Lows:

  • My memory is still shit. I mean if I was thinking about something, I get distracted by a slightest thing like a bird flying across.  I still forget what I thought about a second ago. I’m 100% sure that if I don’t fap for another 60 days. I would definitely be back to my normal state that I had in Year 9(When I used to be smart).
  • Mom and my bro had a huge fight and that took most of my revision time as I had to calm my bro down.
  • I did look at some navel videos. I was bored.
  • More of that P star that made relapse. Did not fap.
  • But, I wasn’t as aroused as the first time. Had a b**ner and then, relaxed myself. Then, i was fine and started revising. I don’t have a persistent thought about her and how I couldn’t wait to fap at her. I mean my mind goes “Well… She is hot. Would definitely fap if I wasn’t on the challenge. But, it is not worth it”. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, my mind thought “Meh” to an urge. WTF?!

I won’t be able to write log tomorrow as I would be travelling. I might write it if I was awake on the train. Most likely, it won’t happen. I should focus more on studying for the exams than learning to code. I mean Java is fun and all. But, I should learn for my exam which would boost my average from 60 to 64 if I achieve above 80 in it.

Night

DAY 1: Day after relapse

Writing this log a day late. I was so pissed off that I couldn’t stay controlled the day before. It was so easy. All I had to do was just eat and go to bed. That would have prevented my relapse.

Yesterday, I went through a lot of Java stuff. Should say I’m pretty confident with the code. The other good thing is that you don’t use pointers in JAVA which is a concept that I never quite understood most of the time.

I have blocked websites like Facebook, Youtube and Reddit. I kinda got bored which led me to the urge. Since I’m going to this religious place next week, I’m trying to refrain from fapping for next 7 days. My noFap would continue till I finish my exams.

I need to start studying for the exams soon. I will probably start today. Going to Madurai tomorrow (7th June). I want to do an internship but, I will not have time to study for this exam. What should I do?? Hmmm….