Day 7 : 1 week of NoFap. I have anxiety disorder.

Again, writing this a day late. Mum wanted me to go to bed after what happened last night.

I woke up. Probably the best sleep I had during travel. It was Chennai.-Back to the boring land- More classes. More Revision. More Fights with my bro. Took a tuk-tuk to home. Reach home around 7 am. My mum was pissed that the bus got delayed. She is very punctual and she hates being late. My bro had to get a taxi to school as he had missed his school bus.  Continue reading “Day 7 : 1 week of NoFap. I have anxiety disorder.”

Day 6 : Having my Favourite Food. I have Brain Fog.

Last day in Madurai. Quite sad to leave this place. I still haven’t seen so many people. But, my bro has missed his school today and I have classes tomorrow. So, I should go back to Chennai.

Last night, my grandma, my mom and I were talking about a lot things. A long conversation that lasted from 10am till 3am. About a lot of things. It was more about catching up with the latest events happening in the family. Talking about future wedding to happen in the family. Many more…

Continue reading “Day 6 : Having my Favourite Food. I have Brain Fog.”

Day 5: Goat Sacrifice.

You may think from the title that the goat sacrifice is some cruel shit that we do in the east side of the world. Well… you are correct. But, it is same as beheading an animal but, with God’s permission. (Halal way in Hinduism)

Why on Earth do you do this shit?

It is a tradition I believe. In India, each family/community have their own deity. No wonder Hinduism has millions of Gods. For the last 6 to 7 centuries, our people would invite all their friends and relatives for a mega feast. They would have this occasion when a baby is born, when someone gets married or when someone dies. They would then sacrifice a number of goats depending on the numbers of invitees. This beheading would happen in front of the temple of the God to which the sacrifice is dedicated to. I guess this is more like get-to-gether but, in a very barbaric manner.

Day 5: 

Since I went to bed very late previous night, I was the last one to get up. Apparently, I wasn’t the only to get up late. Nearly everyone apart from my Grandma had a very late wake up. My grandma is an early bird. She looked pissed because we are already 5 hours late to the goat sacrifice. But, she couldn’t say anything to her son because my aunt is there too. It would be embarassing for him if my grandma scolded her son in front of her wife.

Then, we all got ready. But, there was only one seven seater to carry 10 of us. My grandma refused to get another taxi. She thought we would all fit in to seven seater. She didn’t wanna book a taxi because it would double up the travel expenses. She is a cheapskate. She got shouted by everyone. She cried. Two people I hate to see cry. My mom. Then, it’s my grandma. But, again, she is ambitious and we all somehow fit into this 7 seater. 😀 My mum sitting on my lap.

We reach there really late. My mom’s birthplace. She was born in a mudhouse. Now, the mudhouse has changed to a pile of mud I guess. Opposite to it lays the only house my grandpa built before he died. He was a police officer. I’m his first grandson. He would have been happy and proud if he knew I’m doing well in my life. I always think he is beside me even thought I haven’t even had a sight of him. Love you grandpa. Up till the age of 14, I thought he died in an accident. Later, I got to know that he was murdered by goons. I don’t want to get too much detail into this. But, long story short, what he did was pretty heroic.

Anyways, this house is where all of family antiques are. Our family history ain’t that great. It is pretty boring. We all belong to the farmer’s family. Nearly all my ancestors did nothing but, farming. As the time went on, they did jobs related to food like restaurants and owning rice mills. But, my very own great-great-great grandfather went to Burma around 1800s to work in Harbour so, he could provide some money to his starving family which included my great grandfather. Not only he did what his boss ordered(which was working in the harbour), I heard from an elderly that he also used collect these glass bottles from the sea and sell them to make some extra cents. Salute to you. G-G-G Grandpa. We still have the suitcase that he carried to Burma. It is in a very bad state.

Then, we went to the feast. By the time we went to have food, the entire village had finished their meals. We had very little left. Still I was very full. Fresh Meat cut. Cooked and served straight to your banana leaves. Imaging the taste. 🙂 Then, it was selfie time. I HATE SELFIES! >_<

Then, I got closer with my little cousin. I love playing like a kid with a kid. It just takes me back to the time that I dearly miss. Why did I grow up?

Back to the Madurai. It was my Mum’s birthday. We’ve never cut for my mom’s birthday. She is too shy and she never gives us money to buy her a cake for her birthday. But, my uncle surprisingly brought a cake while we were having food. It was quite awkward. Worst out-of-sync birthday song was sung to her. She was very happy. I’m not going to fail to send her a cake for next birthday.

Again, too busy. So, no urges.

Day 4: Family and Friends. Tears of Joy.

Writing this log on 11th of June

Day 4

Woke up at 6 AM. First glimpse at the train station outside. Madurai Junction. I was happy to be back in my very own city. I mean I live in UK for the last 8 years but, I always feel bonded towards Madurai despite being very polluted. Brings back such amazing memories. Took an Tuk-tuk to the house I grew up during most of my childhood days.

I’m not an early person. I was still drowsed up from the very bad sleep on the train. Then, came my beloved cousin. He was surprised. Then, came my uncle, my other cousin and my aunt. Then, came my Nanny (well… she is also my aunt), but my childhood is nothing without her. I just felt very happy. Love my family. Only on my mom’s side. Not my dad’s side. Tears of Joy. Then, came my aunt’s parents.

Now, time to meet more relatives. I should say something about my long family tree. My great grandad had 8 children (excluding 2 deceased). 5 girls. 3 boys. My grandmother from my mom’s side is the second child out of the 8. So, if you think about it, I have 5 grandmothers and 3 grandfathers. Thing about our family is that all 8 of them are still in touch with each other and they all live in one area.

So, with my uncle’s family and my bro, we went to visit every grandmother’s house. In one of the houses, I saw picture of my great-great grandmother. She was a brave and very smart women even though, she wasn’t educated. Her husband died from TB but, she used to work on the farms to make a living for my great mother and her siblings.

Then, we went to my childhood friend’s house. He is also my cousin. His parents broke up cos his dad had an illicit relationship with a random stranger. So, his mom got pissed and his parents never spoke for 2 years. Now, they are back together. That feeling that you have when you see someone you love get together. Pure Bliss. 

Had the best food in the town for dinner. Didn’t even have time for a single urge. That’s how busy I was.

Day 3: Travelling with Family. Realised I had a problem

Finally, I have reached home after a long travel. I’m technically writing this blog on Day 6 of my NoFap journey. I have a mild migraine. Might be due to dehydration.

Anyways, Day 3, 4, 5. Travelled to my hometown, birthplace – Madurai. This place is known as the “City of Temples”. It is just filled with millions of mini and gigantic temples. I love this city for many reason. Relatives, Food, Love and Bonding are the top reasons why I love it. This time I was lucky enough to see my uncle from US in Madurai. He had to come and visit all our relatives at the same time.

My uncle is extremely funny but, very strong with his opinions. He is a huge fan of Trump and doesn’t believe in climate change. Yeah… and he works for a Fortune 100 company. Doesn’t make sense. My aunt is a pathologist. Their kids aka my cousins are cutest kids I’ve known so far. Eldest one is the brainy and very quiet. Damn… He is soo nice 🙂 Love you man. Youngest one , age 3, girl is a cutie too. Very active. I love her so much. I’ve only seen them twice in my life. But, I just love them.

Now, that you know about my family and my cousins. Let’s talk about how these days went.

Day 3:

I will try to recall the thoughts as much as possible. It has been 5 days. Especially, with recent problems with memory, I won’t be able to talk about it in much details. Usual day I believe. Woke up went to Java lessons. Learnt about strings. Easy stuff 😉

Then, I went to internship on Embedded system. I revealed to my teacher that I study in UK. I think she thought I would know everything about the basics. Little did she know, I think I was worst student she ever had. I mean she started asking about the mechanisms and applications of basic electronic components. I just answered the question like a 5 year old .

“What do we use the resistor?” “Hmm.. Limits the current. That’s it?”

“Tell me how a transistor works.” “Hmm… They act as switches. There are two types. NPN and PNP. There are holes and stuff. That’s it”

This is when I realised my memory has reached its worst state. These are the stuff from Year 1. BASICS! I have gone through them nearly 1000 times. I cannot believe I have forgotten them. That’s when I reached a decision to consult a psychiatrist. Knew something was wrong with me. I’m not myself.

Then, when I was on my way back from home, I just had this feeling of confused state. Unclear mind. I thought I was thinking about something but, I had forgotten it. That feeling when you forgotten the most obvious place where you left your keys. I was frustrated. I was trying to get away from thinking it . But, I couldn’t it.

As soon as I reached home, we had to get ready to catch the train. Mom thought the train was at 7. But, it was 6: 20. Thanks to the lack of traffic, we made it to the station really early.

Had these amazing idlis on the train (Idlis are like rice puddings). Ones mom had were really bad. Then, I was quite horny I should say. What can I say I’m a person with high sexual drive…

Since I’m on r/NoPorn as well, I refused to look to sexually simulating videos. So, I went on Tinder. Made a Tinder account for myself. I should say the app is quite entertaining. I was on it for like 2 hours straight. Then, I hid my account because I don’t have many pictures of myself. They are just selfies. Went to sleep on this very shaky train.

 

Day 2: Calm and Peaceful with a Huge Fight

Damnn.. This day. This day had its high and its low.

Highs:

  • I did some revision. I was a bit interested to learn. Again, my focus wasn’t on point. I should improve.
  • Controlled urges here and there using this meditation technique called “Mula Bhunda”. It does reduce the urge.
  • Signed up for more coding challenges.
  • My memory is still terrible. But, I can think properly now. I feel like my logical thinking is getting better. Before, when I used to fap a lot, if I were to code, for some reason, I would miss the most obvious and easiest way. Now, I feel like it is getting away. Making my code nice and short.
  • Going to Madurai tomorrow. Looking forward for that.
  • My internship starts tomorrow. Looking forward to that as well
  • Haven’t logged into any social medias for the last 2 days. Happy with that.
  • Since I haven’t been fapping as often as I used to be, (yeah.. I did relapse. But, still it is not as bad as fapping every night). I do feel more energetic. Before I would normally sleep during afternoons, but I don’t even feel sleepy. I’m very active. Good thing.
  • I can wake up well and clear even if I sleep for 6 hours. Before (when I used to fap alot), I would literally fall asleep in the toilet. Good

Lows:

  • My memory is still shit. I mean if I was thinking about something, I get distracted by a slightest thing like a bird flying across.  I still forget what I thought about a second ago. I’m 100% sure that if I don’t fap for another 60 days. I would definitely be back to my normal state that I had in Year 9(When I used to be smart).
  • Mom and my bro had a huge fight and that took most of my revision time as I had to calm my bro down.
  • I did look at some navel videos. I was bored.
  • More of that P star that made relapse. Did not fap.
  • But, I wasn’t as aroused as the first time. Had a b**ner and then, relaxed myself. Then, i was fine and started revising. I don’t have a persistent thought about her and how I couldn’t wait to fap at her. I mean my mind goes “Well… She is hot. Would definitely fap if I wasn’t on the challenge. But, it is not worth it”. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, my mind thought “Meh” to an urge. WTF?!

I won’t be able to write log tomorrow as I would be travelling. I might write it if I was awake on the train. Most likely, it won’t happen. I should focus more on studying for the exams than learning to code. I mean Java is fun and all. But, I should learn for my exam which would boost my average from 60 to 64 if I achieve above 80 in it.

Night

DAY 1: Day after relapse

Writing this log a day late. I was so pissed off that I couldn’t stay controlled the day before. It was so easy. All I had to do was just eat and go to bed. That would have prevented my relapse.

Yesterday, I went through a lot of Java stuff. Should say I’m pretty confident with the code. The other good thing is that you don’t use pointers in JAVA which is a concept that I never quite understood most of the time.

I have blocked websites like Facebook, Youtube and Reddit. I kinda got bored which led me to the urge. Since I’m going to this religious place next week, I’m trying to refrain from fapping for next 7 days. My noFap would continue till I finish my exams.

I need to start studying for the exams soon. I will probably start today. Going to Madurai tomorrow (7th June). I want to do an internship but, I will not have time to study for this exam. What should I do?? Hmmm….

 

Day 6: This is very hard. Hard indeed.

VERY HARD. Hardest of them all. I nearly relapsed. I turned on the living room fan and tried to do it. Damn!! It was Facebook this time. Remember Day 1? One of my friends like this picture of P star Karley Green. Damn.. I was bored a few minutes ago and I was about to relapse. Damnn.. I looked at this P star a minute ago. Now, I’ve forgotten her name. MY MEMORY is very bad.

Then, I thought about the marks that I got. Then, I thought about the benefits I could get from it. Then, I thought about the badge I would get for not relapsing 10 days. I CAN DO THIS! I’m not an addict. I kept telling myself.

Now, how did the day go? A bit productive. I went through this book called “Objects First with Java : A BlueJ perspective”. While doing this, I had so many distractions. Reddit, Facebook and other shit. I need to stop this. So, I downloaded a software that would block of all these websites on my laptop till Sept 2.

This is a good thing. Should be after my exams.

RELAPSED.

 

 

Day 5: Damn… THIS IS HARD!

Day 5. It is hard. Very hard. I’m literally controlling myself from fapping. The only thing that keeps me going is reading these amazing success stories on r/NoFap. I need to stop this habit. I have suffered enough.

Today, I spent most of my time sleeping and using reddit. My brother told me he had this called HOCD. God knows what that is. Anyways, GST has been implemented. A lot of protests. They have shut down nearly every cinema in my city.

Followed more reddits! I need to make a timetable of what I need to do tomorrow before I sleep today. I’m so turned on right now. I just want to do it. I’m just gonna go to toilet right now and wash it with cold water. Probably, should mediate too. This challenge was easy for few days. Then, it becomes harder. I should also join gym and should give it a visit before going to bed. That should keep me off this bad habit.

 

 

Day 4: Too many distractions. A lot of Edging

I’m writing this blog a day late. I was way too tired yesterday. I just want to snuggle my bed and sleep.

My cold has been better and yesterday was again a waster. Didn’t do anything productive apart from helping my mum with her cooking. My uncle from America came over last night. It was a good day. Other than that, I just went on some reddit. Read some useful news.

News:

India broke the world record by planting 66 million tree saplings in 12 hours. Well done India!

DARPA and Boeing have joined to produce a SpacePlane. Spaceplane would revolutionise our space travel and make it way cheaper

In Kilpauk, Chennai, India has created a Fast Breeder Reactor. This improves the energy efficiency from these nuclear power plants. If this becomes successfully, an emerging economy like India would have access to clean nearly unlimited energy. #NaMo ()

Words I learnt:

Eschew and Bolster

LINK

NOFAP

I had urges here and there. Again, since I kept myself busy, these urges disappeared. I edged a lot today which aggravated the urges. Thank God. I controlled myself.

Any changes?

Hmm.. Yes. My cold has been treated quicker than usual. I have more interest to do other useful things like reading news and I have developed a huge interest to learn how to do digital arts. Weird. Anyways, 4 days, seeing good results.