DAY 15: Passed Quarter of my Goal. Learnt to control my Body

Ok..  I learnt a lot about myself today. I learnt that I can control my urge despite watching P***n. I learnt that the feeling that I can get after fapping can be brought by just doing Yoga. I learnt that it is not the Porn that is affecting me. I learnt it was my habit of Masturbation.

For the last two years, I have been doing it for at least 3 times a day before sleeping. Yes.. Three times. I’m talking about a busy day. If I was free, I would do it more than that. Anyway, I went on the links on Google that stated that Over masturbation causes all the stuff I’m suffering from now.

Anyway, Let’s go and talk about what I did during the day.

Woke up quite early. I told my mom that I had some homework so, I woke up like 7:45 today. I should say I felt okay. I looked at some navel pics and deactivated my fake facebook profile. I’m doing this for a reason. I will explain later. Got ready. Grandma left today.

Off I went to Java Lessons. Finished File handling. My laptop ran out of charge. Despite having charger, I was unable to charge it because I had an european plug. This is India. They have the circular socket. So, I asked the teacher and she gave her circular plug charger. I used that and off I went home.

But.. wait. I realised I had a Yoga lesson. So, I went to Yoga classes. I should say it was pretty relaxing. That feeling that you get after fap. That’s exactly what I had. I learnt some basic Yoga stuff like Surya Namaskar and Pranayamas (Breathing Exercises). During Pranayamas, you are meant to hum and saying “oo” for the vibrations. But, my voice was just being so rough I couldn’t say any of it properly. Then, there was one SimaAsana. This Asana you pretend to be a lion and posture yourself like a lion. Just exhale like a dog. I couldn’t stop laughing.

Anyways, she moved on to other exercises. It was pretty relaxing I should say.

I came home after that. No one was at home. Mom had gone to the bus stop to drop my grandma off. Now, this is when I set myself a goal. I told myself I’ve been seeing a lot of sexual simulating stuff for the last 15 days. Since I’m quarter my way to my 60 day goal, it is time to make it harder. I told myself:

No more viewing any kind of sexually simulating stuff from tomorrow!

From tomorrow, I will not take the phone to toilet to look at some navel pics. No more peeking and looking at some P stars when you are horny. No more Karlee Grey. No more nothing. From day 15 – day 60… It is just going to be work, work and work.

To reward myself for reaching 15 day goal, I told myself I’m allowed to look at P**n as much as possible. But, one thing. No FAPPING!

So, I looked at all sorts of images. Naked. Navel. Belly. But, just today. No more from tomorrow. To be honest, I’m not addicted to porn. I’m addicted to fapping. I’m addicted to the feeling I get after a fap. That’s it. So, I did look at all these pics. Went on NSFW posts on reddit. But, didn’t fap. I did leak precum here and there. That’s about it. I never touched my ding dong.

Also, I’m thinking of doing the resit here. Not in UK. I got informed by my faculty that the exam can be done over here. So, yeah. Tickets to London are quite expensive now.

I have sent an email to the exams office. Hopefully, they reply by tomorrow.

I didn’t go the Internship today. Since I was tired from Yoga and was a bit horny, I couldn’t be bothered.

From tomorrow, it is going to revision. Classes. Yoga. Let’s go. Day 60. Here I come.

 

Day 14 : Man… I was full of energy. Best Day in a while.

Damnn… I don’t what’s happening with those pills. But, hell sure they are working. Yesterday, I wrote about how depressed and drugged up I was. Man.. now, it is almost my bedtime. I’m typing this blog as if this was a typing competition. Something is wrong with me. But, I like this change. To quote from Spiderman:

Any change?

Yeah. A big Change

Anyway, Mom woke me up in the middle of the sleep and told me draw a diagram of Nitrogen Cycle on my bro’s notebook. I should I’m proud of that sketch that was drawn while half asleep. I went back to sleep. Woke up at the usual time.  Had Breakfast and the anxiety pill after.

Off I went to the Java class. I was quite focused and intrigued about the learning today. I was so excited. Then, again, my teacher wasn’t teaching me most of the time. So, I felt like it was a waste. Anyways, after the lessons had finished, I called my mom and told her to come over to this Yoga Center. Yes… I will be learning Yoga from tomorrow.

I think as I’m close to reaching 15 day mark on NoFap, I feel like all my energy is coming back. Literally. I had so much energy in me.

So, I came back home. It was quite hot. Usually, I would become tired after staying in sun after 30 mins. Today, I was on sun for nearly 2 hours. To improve my memory and concentration, Mom bought me Flax seeds. Apparently, they are rich in Omega 3.

Without a slightest bit of annoyance, I was happy to go back on sun after 3 hours and attended my internship. They wanted me to build a AC-DC converter. But, the breadboard and soldering iron weren’t the best. I had to bend the legs of the components and join them together to make a connection.

As expected, it didn’t work. 100% sure, it was due to short circuit. The soldering was so badly done. Anyway, I left.

Got back home. Went to my Uncle S’ house with my grandma on a Taxi. God.. that taxi driver was loud and annoying. The guy was speaking to wife and complaining about his wife to us while she was on the line. WTF? Fix yourself dude. We wanted to visit this place because the tenant there owes my grandma like 200,000 Rupees. I wanted to go with her because she can’t walk properly or go up the stairs. So, I went with her in case she needs any help. But, my reason to go was to look at babes.  LOL! Joking.

But.. yeah. My Uncle S’ house is a girls hostel. Now, that my energy level was peaking high. I really wanted to have a kiss and flirt with someone. Since I won’t be able to do that, I just wanted to make some not-creepy but, strong eye contact with some ladies.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. We came back on the same taxi that got us there.

Once I came home, I just searched up “How to lose virginity?”. Haha! My testosterone was skyrocketing. I did look at some navel pics today. Didn’t fap. That’s about it really.

Booked Tickets to Madurai for Grandma. She will be leaving tomorrow.

Did not revise. Should have used all this energy on something productive. With NoFap, treatment on anxiety and some supplements from mom, I’m sure on the way to becoming the guy that I want to be.

NoFap:

I looked at some navel videos. That’s because I was extremely energetic and as a result, I was horny. But, controlled myself.

As I have said already many times in this entry, my energy levels were raging high. Literally, I wasn’t like “Can’t be arsed” at any point today. I had this drive and confidence. Nearly day 15. Seeing good results. Memory is getting better. I’m remembering things here and there. Still forgetting where I left my wallet and some words that I used to know. I’m 100% sure. My memory will return on Day 60. Focus is still shit. But, to be honest, didn’t have much time to test it.

Day 13: Druggy Day! Shopping Gold.

Damn.. Those pills I got prescribed for anxiety. Woah… I was like a zombie today. Tired. Sad for no reason. Everything felt like I was in slow-mo. The pill is called “Nexito 5”. I was fine this morning. I looked at some navel pics. Again as usual. Did not fap.

 

Mom gave the pill after I had my breakfast. It took like an hour to work. By the time, I was at my Java class, I couldn’t understand basic code. I wasn’t able to speak coherently. Lesson was quite useless today. My teacher didn’t even go through anything. When the Java lesson finished, I informed her that I will be coming to the Internship today. She refused and said she is off today.

Very well. Off I went. My mom and my grandma wanted to go to this jewellery store. I told her that I will be free this afternoon. So, I went with them. Bored. I sat on the couch played Sub-way surfers.

When I looked myself in one of the mirrors, I realised my melasma has been healed well on my left side. Not at all on my right. This reminded me to go to my dermatologist. Again, I was so tired in the shop. My mind was so calm and my limbs were numb. I just wanted to lay down all day. My grandma sold a gold coin that my uncle gifted and got herself a chain that weights around 56 grams. Mom and grandma bought even more gold. Chain purchase was the only one I saw.

My rich grandma said she had purchased for nearly 200,000 rupees today. That’s like £2000. Damnn.. Grandma. To be honest, she doesn’t spend this kind of money very often. So, it is fine.

We came home as soon as the shopping finished. I had to call my bro from the bus stop today. Not Mom. Plumbers came over today and fixed the leaky sink. Finally, it has been fixed.

The vacant house upstairs that I was talking about in yesterday’s entry. Remember I said Uncle B wanted to move in. Unfortunately, some North Indian folks beat us to it.  😦

Uncle B will disappointed to know.

Then, I just wanted to make sure if I really do have anxiety. So, I did some online tests. Quite depressed while on the drugs, nearly every quiz said that I suffer from severe anxiety. Weird thing is I don’t know what’s causing it.

The only thing I’m worried about is how poorly I’m doing in academics. That’s it. My family isn’t as bad as it used to be. I’ve never had any problem with money or any expenses. I think it should be my habit of fapping. Remember Fapping is a viscous cycle.

Oh yeah. Forgot to mention that we went on this long journey to find a Yoga center nearby. Found one after the 3rd try. Should join there tomorrow. As we left one of the centers, she reminded me about the other when we had food at a restaurant. Not very long ago. I had completely forgotten. See, this is how bad my memory has gotten. 😦 She got really pissed off.

NoFap

As I already mentioned, I did look at some navel pics. But, when I was in the Java class, I found a post on r/NoFap saying that point of noFap is restrict yourself from viewing any urging material. I read about this post where this had retained semen for 90 days. The results sound amazing.

I’m feeling difference here and there. I can remember things now if I think about more than 30 seconds. I can look into a girl’s eye without thinking it is awkward. Oh yeah.. I did some revision today. Not the best session. But, it is a start. A good start. Finished half of Arithmetic slides.  😀

PS: I’m trying to bring back my morning wood. It happened once. That’s it.

Thank God.

Day 12: Indian Feast. A lot of advice.

Damn.. I’m writing this blog very secretly. I lied to my mom that I’m going to study for my upcoming exams. She thinks I’m typing for my notes. But, No. Plus, I have to hide my laptop screen from my brother so, he doesn’t know that I have a blog. This blog is very secretive. It contains all my secretive fantasies and it is based on a very bad habit of mine. I think my mum know that I do fap. But, she hasn’t spoken anything about it. But, she doesn’t know that I do it very frequently.

Back to the day. Again, I was the last one to be up. I was well and active. The very first words I heard as soon as I woke up was :

Your uncles are coming for lunch today. I NEED YOUR HELP!

I had to agree. She is right. We were expecting nearly 4 people. We had to make food for 7 people. So, off I went to toilet to take a shower and take a shit. Went and looked at some navel pics. Again, wasn’t horny or anything. Mom told me to sweep the living room. Then, I had to check in with my cousin. He was as usual playing with my bro. Looked like they had a good time.

Asked him if he wishes to watch Star Wars movie. He agreed. Downloaded it from Yify. But, I was the only one watching it. We had to order briyani from a restaurant for 7 people. For some reason, I wasn’t looking forward to it. I don’t know. Ever since I started noFap, my appetite hasn’t been its best. Realised our house isn’t the best place for the phone reception. Nearly every call that was attended at home had a problem.

Anyways, had a sudden call from Uncle B that he is going to bring his wife’s sister. I knew she just a year older than me. Damn.. she is  very tall. Not the best looks though. Anyway, as you know, I’m not best with girls. Quite awkward. So, I wasn’t expecting much anyway.

They came. Had lunch. Uncle B’s wife’s sis apparently asked Uncle B who I was. So, I had to introduce myself as awkwardly as I can. She said she was 19. I realised I was older than her. WTF? She is soo tall. I always thought she was older than me.

Watched Uncle B’s wedding and engagement video recording. Uncle B had nearly 2 packets of Biryani. So, we had to get more. The delivery guy forgot to bring one of the two chicken 65 we ordered. Uncle V and Mina came over after that.

Then, came Aunt D and her dad came very late for lunch. We just chatted for sometime and Uncle B wanted to take a look at a vacant house upstairs.

Mina asked for some fruit juice. Surprisingly, she came with me. I’m glad that she no longer sees me as a stranger.

Then, we just chatted and watched Big Boss together.  ADVICE. ADVICE. ADVICE. It was just continuously advice. From my mom. From my uncle. From my Grandma. It was then time for my Uncle V to leave. He is off to NY tonight at 12am. He also took my cousin with him. My grandma nearly cried as my Uncle V walked out of our door. I guess it does suck when your children live away from you.

A minute before writing this blog, Mom came over and asked me about why I look so worried and stress all the time. I answered it is because of my poor performance in uni. I felt like crying. I put in so much hardwork. Then, still end up, getting poor marks. But, again, this is why I want to try NoFap. Since I used to fap nearly whenever I’m free, I feel tired and lazy all the time. This stopped me from doing any work quite early. I’m a person who always rushes things. I’ve been so stupid in my life. Games and Fapping. Two most common thing I do when I’m bored. I don’t learn. I don’t study. Just Fap and Game and Youtube. I understand I’ve took the worst possible lifestyle. I should stop this. 

No FAP:

Well… again, I’m quite stressed now. I should calm down. Whenever I think of calming down, my brain goes “FAP”. But, now I can not be bothered to take an effort to fap. For instance, when I wasn’t on NoFap, if I wanted to fap; I would go into the toilet, lay down on the toilet as if it was a bed. Then, FAP! I fap by rubbing my P on a surface. The easiest way. I think using hands are way too much effort. Anyway, now I feel like…. I cba. Good brain.

I feel more active. But, something pulls my energy down. It could be two things: stress about my future and constipation. I should get rid of both of these ASAP. I’m going to think positive from now on.

I CAN WIN! I will do it! I will finish my 60 day of NoFap

Day 11 : Wet Dream.

I should say that I’m getting hang of this whole writing blog thing. I love it. 😀 It is also amazing to know that there is someone out there reading what I do in regular life and my struggle through NoFap.

Regarding the title. Yes! I had a wet dream. I’ve haven’t had one in ages. The last one I had was two years ago when I was on NoFap due to exams. I had a wet dream a day before the exam.

What was the dream? Well… it is really weird. I was dreaming about some car racing, I believe. All of a sudden. Boom. It was Tamannah Bhatia. She has the best belly and navel in whole of Bollywood. I’m getting a b right now even when I’m typing. Damn.. she has the best belly. Yes, I have belly fetish. Then, BAM! It happened in an instant.

Anyways, woke up really late as usual. Last one to be up. My bro was off to this planetarium trip. And, mum and grandma just chilling. My elder cousin was on iPad.

Then, I had the dosa that my elder cousin never finished off.

Ordered some briyani from this expensive restaurant. The bill came up to 1500 rupees. Damn. But, the briyani was just delicious. I wanted to study. But, I also wanted my cousin to have a good time at ours.

So, I just stayed with him and played some games and stuff. Suddenly, his 3DS was out of charge. He had to call his mom and told her bring the charger.

To avoid his boredom, I gave him my iPad. I told him to play whatever he wishes. Oh yeah.. I bought a 3DS game for him yesterday. Forget to mention that yesterday.

Mum kept telling to revise for the exams. But, I just couldn’t focus. Yeah.. I looked at some sexually simulating stuff. Not P. Just pics of women’s belly. Didn’t fap though. As I said, I just look at them and go “MEH” nowadays. I want to study tomorrow. But, mom has invited my uncle and another relative(who is also technically my uncle) for lunch. So, I maybe need to help her too.

My bro and my elder cousin had this weird argument, which wasn’t an argument. But, they did fight through words. I told off my bro and keep his mouth shut when speaking to a 10 year old.

Then, they played Draw My Thing together. They got on really well.

Mum and Grandma spoke about the cons of growing up abroad compared to growing up back home.

Then, after a very long wait, my uncle and aunt came over. I expected that they would take elder cousin home so, I could actually work tomorrow without having to worry that he doesn’t get bored all the time. But, when they came over, he said

Can I stay over for another night?

I was both happy and sad. Happy because I’ve done my job right and he hasn’t been bored. Sad because I have to make sure if he eats and has a good time at ours all the time. Mum and Grandma can’t communicate with him properly as they are fluent in English. So, I have translate everything my mom and grandma says to him.

My aunt and uncle are going back to NY tomorrow at 12 am. My elder cousin and my younger cousin are staying in India for another month.

Again, good thing and a bad thing. My Grandma is insisted that I should accompany her to SG. But, I’m not a great fan of SG. So, NO!

No FAP:

Urges here and there. Solely due to boredom. I did look at some navel pics. But, didn’t fap. I said “NO” to porn when my mind craved for it. I watched these TED Talks on how pornography affects your brain. Surprisingly, P addiction symptoms had all the problems I suffer from now. Low confidence. Poor Memory. Poor Focus. Sure that I will be back to normal on Day 60. Let’s go

Day 10 : Spider-man Homecoming.

I woke up at 10am. Had nearly 10 hours of sleep after the tiresome journey yesterday. Had pongal for breakfast. It was quite awkward to stay at someone’s house and not knowing them well enough.

Amazing Spider-man was on TV. That made me want to go and watch Spiderman Homecoming. Heard it was the best spiderman movie ever.

I wanted to go home early. But, they kept insisting that I stay and have lunch. So, I just stayed over a little longer. My elder cousin’s grandma’s sister came over as well. Then, my cousin’s grandpa revealed that his son is in a relationship with a girl that’s not in our caste. Yeah.. we still do arrange marriage. If you are in a relationship with a girl, it is a huge shock.

My uncle and my grandma looked shocked. I was very happy. My mind went:

Another one!

I really want to get into the relationship as well. But, I haven’t even kissed a girl in my life. All my life it has been fapping. Just fapping to deal with all my sexual urges. That’s why I’m on NoFap. At least then, I would have a girlfriend.

I really want to lose my virginity. But, again, I haven’t even had my first kiss. Let alone my wish to lose my virginity. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to do bad with my academics as well. My p length isn’t the best. But, I believe that if I do some exercise.. It should be fine. Indian people don’t have the best p length.

To be honest, I had some eye contacts in the night clubs. But, I wasn’t sure if it would be okay to kiss them. So, I would rather just stay away from them.

Anyway, back to the story. I had fish curry and fish fry for lunch. It was very nice. Then, I asked if my elder cousin would be willing to come over to my place. He said “Okay”. So, we just drove him and my grandma to ours.

Booked Spiderman Homecoming tickets for just us two. My bro didn’t want to come as he had karate classes. My mum was really worried that I was taking my cousin. She thinks I’m careless and I would just leave him on the road on his own. WTF?

The amount of rules and instructions they gave.. Gawdd.. Just pissed me off. Call my uncle before you reach there. Make sure you walk the road properly. Make sure he doesn’t stay close to the road. Make sure he gets what he wants. FUCKS SAKE!!!

I just left. Then, when we were there. He said Forum mall was the biggest mall he had ever seen and that ones in New York are actually smaller. Got him a regular popecorn and regular coke. But, the regular coke was spilt and was a waste. Then, got him another small coke.

MOVIE TIME! Loved the first part. People were shouting and screaming. WTF? This isn’t some Indian movie. Indians, grow up in cinemas please! It was really good. And, funny. Like the comics. haha

Nearly 90% of the cinema left as soon as the first credits was shown. Was expecting something to do with Black Panther. But, it wasn’t. It was just that Vulture doesn’t want to reveal that Peter Parker is the Spiderman. Then, again, it was the roll-on credits. Around 10 mins. 95% of the cinema left. The next post-credit scene was somewhat similar to Deadpool. It was Captain America explaining that we were patient and he appreciates it. My cousin at the end concluded:

I learnt an amazing lesson from Captain America. Patience equals Nothing.

Reached home on a share tuk-tuk. Found out mom bought a new bed and a dressing table. Shouted at her for cramming the house. Anyways, had a peaceful sleep. I think my elder cousin slept well too.

 

Day 9 : Pilgrimage.

Writing this entry two days late. The last two days have been quite tiresome. Anyways, I woke up at 5:30am – the earliest I’ve been awake since I’ve stayed in India. Got ready and everyone at home were in hurry-bury for no reason. They started shouting and complaining that I wasn’t ready. I told them to shut up. I shouted at my grandma too.

Anyway, my mom told me to keep the fact that I’m on medication as a secret. She didn’t want anyone know that I’m suffering from anxiety issues and brain fog. But, I should say my brain fog is clearing.

As expected, my uncle was an hour late and we got on the car and travelled to my aunt’s home. I was very happy to meet my cousins once again. The seats in the seven seater car remained the same. My elder cousin, my aunt and myself on the back. Others in the front.

Off we went to Tirupathi. It was a long journey. I kinda got sleepy and feel asleep. When I woke up, the car was stopped near a restaurant. Everyone was having tea. I just wanted to take a piss. The toilet was just pure disgusting.

Then, I wanted to buy these Indian biscuits called “Little Hearts” for my cousins. But, realised I had no money. So, their grandfather bought it for them. After a while, it was just me and their grandfather just waiting outside. It was very awkward.

Continued our journey. My aunt, as a doctor, gave me a tablet that should stop me from puking due to travel sickness. As we are about to drive through the mountain roads, my baby cousin puked on my elder cousin and her mom (my aunt). Poor Girl was crying for a very long time. We stopped the car near the platform. Cleaned ourselves and changed my baby cousin’s clothes.

Off we went to the mountain. God… I prefer trekking through the mountain rather than driving. Driving through the mountain just makes me sick. Took 45 mins to get to the top of the mountain. For me, it’s 45 mins of agony.

My grandma and both of my cousins tonsured their hair. It was quite sad to see my grandma bald. It was surprising to see that my baby cousin didn’t cry at all.

Then, it was time to the most crowded place of all time. The actual temple. On its busiest day, the temple encounters 3-4 million people per day. My grandma wasn’t able to walk long distances. But, luckily, this guy who works for the temple was on jeep came as a good Samaritan and gave us a free lift. God Bless!

After getting off, my grandma struggled to even walk few meters to the ticket counter. My uncle told me walk with my aunt and her family. He was walking slowly with my grandma. 😦 For some reason, she doesn’t want to consult a doctor about it.

Crowd was just pushing us from all directions. My baby cousin slept on her grandpa’s shoulder. My elder cousin was probably the one who struggled the most in the entire temple.  He said;

I don’t need to walk. I will just slide through the crowd like a log in a river

My aunt was arguing with these random strangers for breaking the queue. As we entered the temple, I explained my elder cousin about the temple and how it’s tower is gold plated.

I asked to pray for anything that he wishes. He kept saying :

Anything that’s good.

I prayed for my internship and the computer resit and for my success in NoFap.

Waited for my grandma and my uncle for like 30 mins. Offered some money to the temple. My elder cousin chucked the money into the hundi as if it was a basketball. He got scolded. No wonder. To the wish stone. Legend has it that anything you write on this stone would come true. My uncle spent solid 10 mins writing his wishes 😀

On the way back, my elder cousin slept on my lap. I fell asleep as well. I just heard a fight between our chauffeur and elder cousin’s grandma. LOL! I was half-asleep. Plus, I couldn’t be arsed to wake up listening to an argument. Had dinner. We slept over at my aunt’s place.

NoFap

Hmm.. Too tired. I didn’t look at Porn as soon as I woke up like yesterday. Memory is getting better. Hasn’t reached its best. I haven’t studied so, I can’t say anything about my focus. I’m getting confident and I look into a girl’s eye with confidence.

 

Day 8: On Medication for my anxiety. Hematidrosis.

I took a serotonin tablet last night. I had a very peaceful sleep. Psychiatrist advised me to go to bed early and wake up early. So, I went to bed at 10. Mom woke up this morning at 9. I was pissed off cos she promised me last night that she would wake me up at 6. When I asked her why she wasn’t willing to wake me up, she told me I was in a very deep sleep. I understood her reason. 

Day 7 : 1 week of NoFap. I have anxiety disorder.

Again, writing this a day late. Mum wanted me to go to bed after what happened last night.

I woke up. Probably the best sleep I had during travel. It was Chennai.-Back to the boring land- More classes. More Revision. More Fights with my bro. Took a tuk-tuk to home. Reach home around 7 am. My mum was pissed that the bus got delayed. She is very punctual and she hates being late. My bro had to get a taxi to school as he had missed his school bus. 

Day 6 : Having my Favourite Food. I have Brain Fog.

Last day in Madurai. Quite sad to leave this place. I still haven’t seen so many people. But, my bro has missed his school today and I have classes tomorrow. So, I should go back to Chennai.

Last night, my grandma, my mom and I were talking about a lot things. A long conversation that lasted from 10am till 3am. About a lot of things. It was more about catching up with the latest events happening in the family. Talking about future wedding to happen in the family. Many more…